My Prayer

On bended knee I come

praying, begging, yearning

asking for your spirit & power

to overwhelm my body

to the point that I cannot ignore it

I plead for a revival in my soul

that all I want to do every day is praise your name

without a desire for anything that doesn't please you

the strength to live every day to its fullest and for you alone

for my heart to yearn for you the way I want it to

and know it should

All I want is for my heart to be on fire for you

for these doubts to leave my mind

there to be no question in my soul if I am truly your follower and daughter

to make you my absolute Lord of my life

to be so far from lukewarm

the possibility never crosses my mind

and for there to be nothing between us

I fall on my face asking you to give me the ability and strength to trust you

to give you everything

especially what you are asking for now

My heart is torn but I know you are the better choice

I know I need to surrender my dreams, wants, and desires

and focus solely on you

I feel your tug on my heart

I want to listen to it with everything in me

with every fiber of my being

My one and only desire is to be devoted to you alone

to be able to sacrifice this and many other things to come

Yet why is it so hard

why can't I seem to give this up

and why do I seem to lack so much in my relationship with you

I have the desire, such deep desire

and yet

I am failing

I am falling short

I am not totally surrendering

I do not have this incredible passion in myself for you

Why Lord WHY!!!!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

grant me the desire of my heart

which is to love you ALONE

not myself or someone else or a dream or a desire

BUT YOU ALONE!!!!

give me the desire that I crave

fill me with you

and give me the strength and wisdom to do your will

This is my prayer

What happened to us?

What happened to us?
in these pictures we look so happy
We were so happy
The sight of you made my stomach flip

Your voice melted my heart

Just being with you made the world a better place

What happened to us?

I hardly talk to you

If I am lucky enough to

its short and shallow

Somewhere along the way, I lost you

What happened to us?

This summer killed us

Why was I so stupid to let you go for so long

You are so adorable

so sweet

so perfect

What happened to us?

How much of it my fault

Should I blame myself

What should I do

My feelings are so confused

I don’t want to let you go

What happened to us?

I watch boys walk past me

I see you in them

My heart breaks

and I wish you could just surround me

What happened to us?

My stomach doesn’t flip the same way

I still think of you

but its not the same

And you don’t seem to care either

What happened to us?

I wonder what our future it

I wonder if this is finally it

I wish I knew exactly what to do

and what you are thinking

What happened to us?

Quote of the Day:

"Baby, what are we becoming

It feels just like we’re always running
Rolling through the motions everyday
I can lean in to hold you, or act like I don’t even know you
Seems like you could care less either way
What happened to that girl I used to know
I just want us back to the way we were before" Do I by Luke Bryan

Hurricane

I feel like a tree

in the middle of a hurricane

so out of control

being pushed and whipped around

rained on without end

nothing feels stable

nothing feels sure

disaster seems near

like the eye will never come

I feel like a swimmer

in an endless pool

with no where to go

my past hunting me

and unable to swim away from it

wishing to reach bigger and better things

but unable to move forward

only to stay where I am

no improvement, no change

as hard as I try

I can't get away

I feel like a baby

trying to learn to walk

but only falling

failing with every attempt

unable even to just take a step forward

without dropping to the floor

losing hope with every attempt

I know the eye will come

I know one day, the endless pool will open before me

and I will learn to walk

Jesus is the eye in the storm

God will lead me forward

and hold my hand, teaching me to walk

But that feels so far away

the blue sky & the light at the end

don't seem to be near

my faith is weak

my hope draining way

with every failure and hurricane

God I want to rely on you for my future

to not worry about tomorrow or even today

to wait on you and trust you

that one day, life will improve

Lord, strengthen me and give me hope in you

because I sit here, broken and struggling

to trust in the one who will never let me down

You are back

Summer is ending

half was spent in tears

the other is disappointment, anger, frustration, and confusion

I was missing my best friend

missing my other half

I was having to separate my heart from you

and make it cold just to stop the pain

I honestly thought you had moved on

and didn't think of me or miss me

I thought we didn't have a future

and that we would never be close again

I started out the summer trusting in God

knowing his plan was best and resting in his peace

yet my heart still longed for you

and as time pasted, I found myself trusting God less

my faith weakening and my spiritual walk lacking drastically

I lost sight of God's power and providence

I should have known better

I should have kept my trust in God

because he has brought my friend back to me

You never forgot about me

you missed me just as much as I missed you

and you hadn't moved on

Things may still be difficult

we still can't be together the way we want

miles separate us

and our lives do not line up yet

nor are they ready for an another person

which is frustrating because I am ready to be yours

I still don't know when God's time for us is

but I am just so glad to have you back in my life

I no longer feel like I am missing a part of me

Thank you Lord for bring my friend back to me

Dear friend

Dear friend,

I have lost a best friend

everyday that becomes more apparent to me

although I know God is working

and we are where he wants us

and that I have not always had happy feelings toward you

I still miss you

and love you

I knew I cared a lot about you

I knew that saying goodbye would be one of the hardest thing I have ever done

I knew we were really close

but I did not realize the extent that it became

I did not realize you were one of my best friends

and how far I had fallen for you

how much I loved you and cared about you

I hate the negative feelings I have for you

I want it to be alright

I want us to be friends

I miss talking to you

your humor

the way you made me feel better when my skies were gray

the way you hugged me

when I felt the world was against me

your encouragement

your amazing technical knowledge 

which astounded me every time (and saved my computer)

our times together, hanging out, doing nothing

but that was okay because we were together

and just being there when everyone else had walked away

but then again

I don't know if we can ever just be friends again 

and that hurts even more

losing your friendship

hurts more than losing your love 

I don't want you to hurt

I want you to be happy

let me be the one to hurt

yeah it sucks

and I don't like it

but I'd rather it be me than you

tears come to my eyes when I realize

how much you are hurting

how much you are struggling in life

and I hate it

all I did

as your close friend

was add to it

give you one more person you cannot confide in

one less person to go to on a crappy day

one less person to give you a hug and tell you it will all work out

one less person 

I hope you know

I will always love you

you left a dent :) 

and I hope one day (Lord willing)

you will be in my life again

dear friend

Quote of the Day:

"Time to go, this is goodbye she said,

Does it ever get easier to live like this?

And kiss the cheek, for I can't kiss you anymore

And I, I would honestly love you now,

But I would lovingly let you down...

Oh, I have the hardest time resisting you, and, oh, if you...

If you feel the same way,

Then how can we be friends?

He's right you know, we can't go on like this.
And oh I'd try to give you everything

And if I fail, well then I fail, but at least I gave you something"   -If I Fail by Cartel

The things I haven't said

I haven't seen your face in a week

nor heard your voice

but it feels like so much longer than that

I feel like weeks have passed

you feel so distant

maybe because it really has been almost two months

since I truly talked with my close friend

So much has changed

I hate it

and wish things were different

However, that doesn't change how I have felt

how your actions have affected me

I may miss you

think of you often

wish you were here with me

and that the last two months hadn't happened

but they did

you hurt me

you betrayed me

I was smacked in the face

by someone who I was supposed to be able to trust

someone who was supposed to care about me

someone who was supposed to be a friend

and more

Did you forget I was a daughter of the King?

someone who deserved better

deserved love and respect

Did you forget what I meant to you?

or at least what you told me I meant

someone you cared about

had feelings for

Did you forget what being a man truly means?

it's not how many girls you can get

but how you treat the one you have

I gave so much to you

especially my heart 

and you just tore it in two

yet I still love you

I did not want to let you go

But God had a different plan 

now I am having to deal with both sides of me

on one side there is the Amber who misses you

who hates being far from you 

both physically and emotionally

who hates what has happened

who is ready to move past that

and take you back on any level

but then there is the Amber who is still hurt by you

who can't understand what she did to deserve this

who is confused and brokenhearted

who cries so often she hasn't kept track

who has lost confidence, respect, trust, and love for herself

who can't understand why you would do that

why you would hurt her so much

and that still finds herself becoming angry, hurt, and upset

when she stops and reflects on you and your actions

So now I am at war with myself and I hate you for it

I have to fight myself every day

to not cry over you

to miss you

to get angry at you

or to focus too long on you and the memories we shared

both positive or negative

because only pain follows

I have to fight the feelings that come over me

whenever something

whether a song, movie, name, or just something someone says

reminds me of you

and that reminder brings a smile for a second 

until I remember and the pain begins anew

I have to fight the thought that you actually don't give a crap

because I know its not true

but sometimes it sure does feel that way

your actions speak louder than your words

and some of your actions have screamed that you don't care

I have to fight the urge to analyze

analyze why this happened

what I could have done differently

analyze your thoughts

if you regret me, regret us

analyze my appeal to other guys

if this means that I am not worth more

analyze the situation to death and to tears

I have to fight the idea that this is the best I will ever get 

the idea that all guys will hurt me like you hurt me

that I will never be totally respected and loved by a man the way I should be

and the fear that there is no one else

the fear of being alone for the rest of my life

my self-esteem has plummeted 

my trust in guys has hit rock bottom

I thought you were my answer

I thought God was teaching me how to trust guys again through you

how mistaken I was

I must give glory to God however for what He has done

I have learned to trust him

I have discovered the peace of God

both are greater than anything else I could have learned

His peace transcends any pain, heartbreak, or anger my human nature feels 

my spirit is at peace

though my human spirit is curled into a ball

in a hole, waiting for the storm to pass

God's peace is amazing 

and without it, I would be a reck 

life would be hell

But that doesn't mean the pain is not there

that my heart is not broken

or that I am not hurting

I feel unwanted

alone

unloved

not worth it

and the list continues

I don't know how else to put it

to make it clear to you

how much you have hurt me

Yet, I still care about you

miss you like crazy

love you

and want the best for you

I may be hurting

but I don't wish harm to you 

I only pray for you

that God pours his blessings over you and your life

I don't regret any of it

I hate the hurt and the missing you

but it only stretches me

tests me

pushes and pulls me

I will be better for it

stronger

These are the things I haven't said

the feelings that tear at my heart

which have caused tearful mornings, afternoons, and nights

it may seem hypocritical to say I am angry with you in one line

and in another say that I care about you and only want blessings for you

but it is the truth

how my heart feels

and for which I will not apologize

life is not meant to be all black and white 

so neither will my feelings 

These are the things I hadn't said

but now I have 

The time has come

The time has come

I trusted

I fell into your arms

and out of his

I cried

I fought

Said I couldn't do it

couldn't part with one of my closest friends

continued to ignore the voice in my head

I didn't want to obey God

The time has come

I broke my heart and his

I watched as we both cried 

cried over what was, what is, and what will never be

I said I still loved you

said I didn't want to do this

that I will always pray for you

said how lucky I was to know you

and how lucky some girl will be one day

oh how my heart longs for that day to come for you

and how my heart wishes I was that girl for you

The time has come

I have said goodbye

goodbye to the dreams I had built 

dreams of the two of us and our life together

I watched you react 

you seemed to understand

you knew I had to do what I felt I need to do

you didn't want me to blame myself

said you were sorry for the pain you had caused me

said you care about me too 

and that I have left a dent in your life

The time has come

you are no longer in my life

your face I will no longer see

your voice I will not hear

This summer will be difficult

how many more tears will I cry

how many more restless nights 

how long till I can truly say I am over you

how long till I can talk to you again

I am on my knees

praying for strength 

praying for my future

praying for your future

praying that if it be God's will

one day we will be friends again

The time has come

one that I never wished for

but it came anyway

The time has come

to focus on God

and to erase you from my mind

it will not be easy but I must

The time has come

I will miss you 

You will always hold a special place in my heart

The time has come

Quote of the Day:

"If I Should stay I would only be in your way. So I'll go But I know I'll think of you every step of 

the way. And I... Will always Love you, oohh Will always Love you My darling you Mmm-mm. 
Bittersweet Memories That is all I'm taking with me. So good-bye. Please don't cry. 
We both know I'm not what You need. And I... Will always love you I... Will always love you, ooh. 
I hope life treats you kind. And I hope you have all you've dreamed of. And I wish you joy 
and happiness. But above all this I wish you love."

"I trust in the Lord...But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, 'You are my God.'" Psalm 31: 6b, 14

Blessed beyond measure

Time is flying by

the year is coming to a close

I cannot believe in a very short time

I will have to say goodbye

some for just a few months

but others for who knows how long

There have been so many people God has brought to me this year

Some relationships were strengthened

Others were new, but flourished quickly

It seems impossible to believe how some friends

I never knew until this year

God is so good

and has blessed me beyond measure 

I thought I had already received my blessing here

I figured last year was the best I could ask for

and although I miss those girls like crazy

and wish they were back here again

I have so many more relationships to thank God for every day

I have received such encouragement

strength in the hard times

support when the skies were gray 

or the homework seemed to never end

laughs in both the good and the bad times

hugs when I thought I couldn't stand

or when our joy overflowed 

If you would have asked me 9 months ago

who I would befriend this year

who I would miss when the year came to a close

who would make an impact on my life 

who I would discover as role models 

and people to just have a good time with

I would have never in a million years

named those who have become those things for me

I would have never chosen them

but God knew better

He knew who I needed

who would make an impact

be an encouragement

be a friend in hard times

and I am so grateful for His wisdom

for His work in my life to bring these people to me

I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world

and would not want anything different for myself

They each have played different roles

each important in their own special way

every one of them having left a mark on my life

which I hope never to forget

This has not been an easy year

I could sit here and complain about all the reasons why

but there is no need

God has walked with me

and I have been blessed with friends

who were there through think and thin

through sunshine and rain

I want to thank you

each and every one

thank you for your kindness

friendship

love

compassion

support

encouragement

hugs

laughter

tears

prayers

and even your criticism 

Now with the year ending shortly

we will be going our separate ways

back home for most

to friends we have missed and cherish also

and for some, to a new job or location for the summer

where new relationships will be built 

I wish those of you who are graduating

blessings upon blessings

and for those who I will see in the fall

have an amazing summer

make the best of it

You all are beautiful and created in God's image.

He loves you and so do I.

Stay strong and I will be praying for all of you

God Bless!

Quote of the Day:

""Just when you think that a person is just a backdrop for the rest of the universe, watch them and see that they laugh, they cry, they tell jokes ... they're just friends waiting to be made." 

-Dr. Jeffrey Borenstein

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival." 

- C. S. Lewis

a wave in the ocean

I am like a wave

not making a decision

just being tossed about

Fear keeps me at a stand still

not moving in any direction

Trust

where are you?

I need you

come connect me to God

my faith is failing

my strength is diminishing

my human spirit wants to rebel

but your spirit inside of me is crying out

"Trust in the Lord!"

I feel like I know what I need to do

maybe I have known all long

but I fight it every time

I don't want to 

Please Father, don't make me!

but your voice is loud and clear

"Trust me, my child"

My heart is fragile 

my spirit already crushed

I don't have the strength 

nor the will to do what you ask

Then, there is the side of me

who only wants what God wants for me

who is begging and pleading with the other side

to surrender and let God work

blessings upon blessings will fall 

when I just surrender

The side who knows God's will should be my will

The side of me who just wants to please God with everything in her

who doesn't want to make a wrong move

or step off his path

and that fear is keeping her from moving at all

The fear

oh that fear

it surrounds my every move

my every thought

I am so afraid

yet the gray in my life is growing

the black and white fading

choices and direction so unclear

my heart beats for two things

but I have to choose

I have to chose which master I will serve

Yet there is that fear again 

fear that choosing is not what God wants

that this really should be a blessing

That I am meant to have both

But if that is true

if God wants me to have this

then by trusting in Him

I will get it back? 

I don't want to let go

because that fear says I will not get it back

nor anything like it or better

although I know this to be a lie

it still plagues me

Oh God

I want to choose you

choose life!

I want to serve you wholeheartedly 

and not have anything between us

but I need your strength

I need your wisdom

Lord please work in ways I cannot foresee

or predict or even ask for

Father, work in ways that only you can

that are outside of me

so the fear cannot grab ahold of me

I need thee Lord

and only you! 

Please see my heart 

and know how much I want to please you alone!

I am like a wave

not making a decision

just being tossed about

Fear keeps me at a stand still

not moving in any direction

Quote of the Day:

"The more you trust Him, the more you'll risk on His behalf"

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."  James 1:5-6

Amazed

I stand in amazement of you Lord

I am grateful for the friends I have

for the support surrounding me

This past week has been extremely difficult 

and even though I have been on my knees

praying for guidance, wisdom, comfort

and the list goes on

crying to the point where I had no tears left to shed

my heart in a million pieces on the floor

in total disbelief and confusion

and a feeling of sadness consuming my body

I still have this level of peace

I do not know what the future holds

I do not know the right next step to take

and my heart is torn in two different directions

yet I am calm

I have not totally lost it

normally, in this situation

a girl would go crazy 

be one of those psycho girls

or just lying in bed all day, every day

crying, eating ice cream, and planning revenge

But thats not me

I have cried, a lot

I have vented to friends

I have gotten angry

but not to an extreme

I am still living a normal life

sometimes I space out

or become depressed again

but its not affecting my general flow in life

or is really noticed by those around me

I am grateful to God for this peace

this relative calm

I know He is the one providing it

because this is not my human nature 

I never asked for this

yet He provided

Thank you Lord

for taking care of your daughter

when she needed you the most

and her heart didn't know what to ask for 

Lord, I pray this continues

I know the road ahead is going to be bumpy

I know this will not be easy

but the overall peace is comforting 

I am blessed beyond words to have a God

who looks out so carefully for His children

What an amazing God we serve 

Quote of the Day:

"There is nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing that is currently on or in your life that God has not in his infinite all-knowing wisdom decided not to stop and so therefore its a part of the purpose of God for his glory and your eventual joy." -Matt Chandler of the Village Church

I Will Stand Again

I surrender Lord

I cant do this anymore

I am done!

My heart cant break any more

its pieces are scattered on the floor

with only you to help me pick them up

I was stupid

I let this go to far

but enough is enough

that was it

You will no longer have power over me

you will no longer be able to hurt me!

I sit in anger and disbelief right now

and I know in time

it will turn to sorrow 

but I must remember these events

and use them to defuse your power later

to keep myself from falling all over again

I deserve much more than this

much better than all of this

There should not be this much pain

this many struggles

this many reasons to doubt

maybe one day things will be different

but I will no longer hold on to that

that will no longer be my focus

Me, myself, and Jesus

thats it

not you or your cute words or your sweet gestures  

You have crossed the final line

I don't care anymore about making the wrong decision

if I stray from God's path, 

I know he will bring me back again

I must trust him

Its not easy 

I know I have a long road ahead of me

But God is on my side 

I just have to be patient 

and stay the course

You may have broken my heart

my trust

my being

But God never will

and on that promise I will stand!

I Will Stand Again

Quote of the Day:

"Women are like tea bags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water." -Eleanor Roosevelt 

"Trust is like breaking your arm. Happens quickly, but takes a long time to heal." -Ms Wallace 

This is My Plea

I am trying so hard

To focus on you oh Lord

to seek your will 

and do what is right

my heart longs for the path you have chosen for my life

I know that blessings will flow 

when I follow your lead

But oh God it is so hard

I know what I want

and I feel it inside me

but my soul is not sold

I am unsure of your plan

of your purpose or your will

I do not want to deviate 

yet I long for this

I see and hear of friends

who are so at peace and happy

your time for them has come 

and your blessings are flowing

Yet here I sit

wishing, hoping, dreaming

that my day may come soon

with your hand upon my life

obviously leading me on the right path

My heart longs for my will to aline with yours

what I want to be what you want

As I dream now, I can't imagine life 

changing from the way I hope it will be

it seems a foreign concept

I want this dream so bad

But that little voice inside of me

reminds me that doubt hovers close by

Because I lack the full confidence in what your will is

I know also that if your will differs from mine Lord

that it will bring me joy

even if I can't imagine it now

I know in time I will be grateful

even if now I wouldn't want to be

Lord no matter how I feel or what I want

I ask that your will be done

Lord act outside of me

So no doubt can remain

Work in ways that I cannot even fathom

in things that I cannot dream of

Lord I beg you to do this

I plead that you push me down the right path

So that my human mind cannot get in the way

I just want your will to be done Lord

that is all I ask 

all that I beg for

This is my plea!

Quote of the Day:

"Never said there wouldn't be trials. Never said I wouldn't fall. Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go. But when my back is against the wall and I feel all hope is gone, I'll just lift my head up to the sky and say help me to be strong. I just can't give up now. I've come too far from where I started from. Nobody told me the road would be easy and I don't believe he brought me this dar to leave me."  Can't Give Up Now by Mary Mary

Break my Heart

Lord I want to feel close again to you

I know that I am the one that walked away

I do not know how or when 

but I know it happens slowly 

and I have found myself away from you

I want to be consumed in your love

to worship you with all I do

to focus on your grace, love, and your works

I want you to be my focus, not life as it goes on

I want to live life to the fullest 

to praise you all of my days

Not let my actions go without them being for your glory

Yet oh Lord

I struggle

Life is busy

Life is confusing

and I am praying to you

yet I feel disconnected

is it because I am not fully relying on you 

to get me through my day anymore?

is it because I no longer need you to smile?

Lord whatever it may be

bring me to my knees

Lord I want to worship you, to be on fire

to feel your presence again

to trust you with my every day again

Break my heart and bring me to your feet

Quote of the Day:

"Break my heart for what breaks yours" -Hosanna by Hillsong

Desert Song by Hillsong

Despite Myself

Here I am again

Tears ready to flow 

with thoughts of how dark our future looks

My heart breaking - My mood spiraling down

And its not because of something you or I did

No, our paths just don't seem to line up

It hurts knowing how much I care about you

and you care about me

I try to find ways to get mad at you

Taking the littlest things, trying to make them into big deals

Imagine situations that would make me angry with you

I don't care if it's false anger or justified 

I just want to be angry

And not hurt anymore

To be mad enough so I can say goodbye

But every time I try

Yeah I get angry for a little while

though it never lasts

I find myself hurting just as much as before

if not more

Missing you and wishing I was back in your arms

where nothing bad ever seemed to touch me

or wishing I was with you despite my anger

The anger isn't enough

its not strong enough

My heart breaks anyway

I miss you despite myself 

Quote of the Day:

"I wanna love like Johnny and June. Rings of fire burnin' with you. I wanna walk the line, walk the line Till the end of time. I wanna love, love ya that much. Cash it all in, give it all up. And when you're gone I wanna go too Like Johnny and June."

Choice

I know I shouldn't be frustrated

I know that I should take what I get 

and leave the rest alone

But I am frustrated

I am annoyed

I just wish some people would make up their minds

I wish they would consider others before themselves

I get it

nothing will be the same

and I am ok with that

I don't expect things to be like they were

but I do expect respect, kindness

and consideration for my feelings 

Don't ignore me

Don't walk away without saying goodbye

or without saying anything at all

I did nothing to you

nothing to make you mad

or to give you reason to treat me like that

make up your mind

Are you going to be nice, friendly, and civil

or are you just going to be a jerk

Don't see-saw between the two

Don't mess with my feelings, trust,

or my heart

You have already broken all three once

Don't push your luck again

You have to decide

Do you want me in your life

or not

Honestly right now, I could careless

in or out, but make a decision

Don't tell me you miss me and you want to see me

then in the next breath

change your attitude to one of apathy 

and not even have the courtesy to say goodbye 

I am sick of it

And I want you to know

Just how it hurts

Decide now 

Or I will make the choice for you

and you may not like it

I AM a princess

and I want to be treated like one

Our future does not determine how you treat me

Those two are complete opposites 

So here is your choice

Friendship where you treat me 

like a friend 

or nothing, nothing at all

Quote of the Day:

"There will be a day with NO MORE TEARS, NO MORE PAIN, and NO MORE FEARS."

Just Dreams

My heart is breaking again

I thought this feeling was gone 

the feeling of losing you 

the hurt and pain that comes with that

But I find out how much you still care 

how much you still like me and wish things could work

my excitement and hope grows

I find myself dreaming again

wondering when we could try again

Then I am slapped back into reality

and the pain comes flooding back

As much as we want to make it work

our beliefs just don't seem to match

Although we have it worked out now

who knows what the future will hold

will we find some thing else we disagree about 

can we handle that

therefore we find ourselves 

loving someone we can't have

and wishing we could control the future 

wishing God would cross our paths again

But they are only hopes

just dreams

Quote of the Day:

"Sunshine cannot bleach the snow, Nor time unmake what poets know."

My Cry

Oh God I cry to you

I am broken, confused, and crying

the future seems so unsure

and my heart is in pieces on the floor

the tears keep flowing

and even the sunniest days seem foggy

I want to smile and mean it

to trust you with every fiber of my being

I do not want to hurt any longer

because when I do

I feel like I am nailing you to that cross again

saying that I know better

that I know who I should be with

But I praise you oh God

for still giving me your peace 

even when I doubt your providence

after I fight for control of my life

Your peace sustains me

and without it

my life would be total chaos 

You are such a powerful and loving God

why do I doubt your ability to give me a man

that is perfect for me

Why can't I just sit back and wait

but maybe he is it

maybe its just not our time

Yet there I go again

hammering those nails

into your hands again and again

I find myself wishing and hoping

for the one who has my heart 

to be the one you want to give the key to

Oh Lord, I want you to hold the key to my heart

Yet I am letting you and him fight for control

You should be the one to give him the key

not the other way around

But does that mean its wrong to hurt

to let my heart be broken by him

Does that mean my heart's key is not yours

Father, if you don't hold the key

help me give it back you to

help me wait till you give the key

and not steal it back 

to give to the one I choose 

It doesn't matter what the future holds

You have it in your hands

that should be enough

Lord, let me focus on today

the struggle to give you the key back

and gluing my heart back together again

Oh God, this is my cry!

Quote of the Day:

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"    -Jeremiah 29:11