The things I haven't said

I haven't seen your face in a week

nor heard your voice

but it feels like so much longer than that

I feel like weeks have passed

you feel so distant

maybe because it really has been almost two months

since I truly talked with my close friend

So much has changed

I hate it

and wish things were different

However, that doesn't change how I have felt

how your actions have affected me

I may miss you

think of you often

wish you were here with me

and that the last two months hadn't happened

but they did

you hurt me

you betrayed me

I was smacked in the face

by someone who I was supposed to be able to trust

someone who was supposed to care about me

someone who was supposed to be a friend

and more

Did you forget I was a daughter of the King?

someone who deserved better

deserved love and respect

Did you forget what I meant to you?

or at least what you told me I meant

someone you cared about

had feelings for

Did you forget what being a man truly means?

it's not how many girls you can get

but how you treat the one you have

I gave so much to you

especially my heart 

and you just tore it in two

yet I still love you

I did not want to let you go

But God had a different plan 

now I am having to deal with both sides of me

on one side there is the Amber who misses you

who hates being far from you 

both physically and emotionally

who hates what has happened

who is ready to move past that

and take you back on any level

but then there is the Amber who is still hurt by you

who can't understand what she did to deserve this

who is confused and brokenhearted

who cries so often she hasn't kept track

who has lost confidence, respect, trust, and love for herself

who can't understand why you would do that

why you would hurt her so much

and that still finds herself becoming angry, hurt, and upset

when she stops and reflects on you and your actions

So now I am at war with myself and I hate you for it

I have to fight myself every day

to not cry over you

to miss you

to get angry at you

or to focus too long on you and the memories we shared

both positive or negative

because only pain follows

I have to fight the feelings that come over me

whenever something

whether a song, movie, name, or just something someone says

reminds me of you

and that reminder brings a smile for a second 

until I remember and the pain begins anew

I have to fight the thought that you actually don't give a crap

because I know its not true

but sometimes it sure does feel that way

your actions speak louder than your words

and some of your actions have screamed that you don't care

I have to fight the urge to analyze

analyze why this happened

what I could have done differently

analyze your thoughts

if you regret me, regret us

analyze my appeal to other guys

if this means that I am not worth more

analyze the situation to death and to tears

I have to fight the idea that this is the best I will ever get 

the idea that all guys will hurt me like you hurt me

that I will never be totally respected and loved by a man the way I should be

and the fear that there is no one else

the fear of being alone for the rest of my life

my self-esteem has plummeted 

my trust in guys has hit rock bottom

I thought you were my answer

I thought God was teaching me how to trust guys again through you

how mistaken I was

I must give glory to God however for what He has done

I have learned to trust him

I have discovered the peace of God

both are greater than anything else I could have learned

His peace transcends any pain, heartbreak, or anger my human nature feels 

my spirit is at peace

though my human spirit is curled into a ball

in a hole, waiting for the storm to pass

God's peace is amazing 

and without it, I would be a reck 

life would be hell

But that doesn't mean the pain is not there

that my heart is not broken

or that I am not hurting

I feel unwanted

alone

unloved

not worth it

and the list continues

I don't know how else to put it

to make it clear to you

how much you have hurt me

Yet, I still care about you

miss you like crazy

love you

and want the best for you

I may be hurting

but I don't wish harm to you 

I only pray for you

that God pours his blessings over you and your life

I don't regret any of it

I hate the hurt and the missing you

but it only stretches me

tests me

pushes and pulls me

I will be better for it

stronger

These are the things I haven't said

the feelings that tear at my heart

which have caused tearful mornings, afternoons, and nights

it may seem hypocritical to say I am angry with you in one line

and in another say that I care about you and only want blessings for you

but it is the truth

how my heart feels

and for which I will not apologize

life is not meant to be all black and white 

so neither will my feelings 

These are the things I hadn't said

but now I have 

The time has come

The time has come

I trusted

I fell into your arms

and out of his

I cried

I fought

Said I couldn't do it

couldn't part with one of my closest friends

continued to ignore the voice in my head

I didn't want to obey God

The time has come

I broke my heart and his

I watched as we both cried 

cried over what was, what is, and what will never be

I said I still loved you

said I didn't want to do this

that I will always pray for you

said how lucky I was to know you

and how lucky some girl will be one day

oh how my heart longs for that day to come for you

and how my heart wishes I was that girl for you

The time has come

I have said goodbye

goodbye to the dreams I had built 

dreams of the two of us and our life together

I watched you react 

you seemed to understand

you knew I had to do what I felt I need to do

you didn't want me to blame myself

said you were sorry for the pain you had caused me

said you care about me too 

and that I have left a dent in your life

The time has come

you are no longer in my life

your face I will no longer see

your voice I will not hear

This summer will be difficult

how many more tears will I cry

how many more restless nights 

how long till I can truly say I am over you

how long till I can talk to you again

I am on my knees

praying for strength 

praying for my future

praying for your future

praying that if it be God's will

one day we will be friends again

The time has come

one that I never wished for

but it came anyway

The time has come

to focus on God

and to erase you from my mind

it will not be easy but I must

The time has come

I will miss you 

You will always hold a special place in my heart

The time has come

Quote of the Day:

"If I Should stay I would only be in your way. So I'll go But I know I'll think of you every step of 

the way. And I... Will always Love you, oohh Will always Love you My darling you Mmm-mm. 
Bittersweet Memories That is all I'm taking with me. So good-bye. Please don't cry. 
We both know I'm not what You need. And I... Will always love you I... Will always love you, ooh. 
I hope life treats you kind. And I hope you have all you've dreamed of. And I wish you joy 
and happiness. But above all this I wish you love."

"I trust in the Lord...But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, 'You are my God.'" Psalm 31: 6b, 14

Blessed beyond measure

Time is flying by

the year is coming to a close

I cannot believe in a very short time

I will have to say goodbye

some for just a few months

but others for who knows how long

There have been so many people God has brought to me this year

Some relationships were strengthened

Others were new, but flourished quickly

It seems impossible to believe how some friends

I never knew until this year

God is so good

and has blessed me beyond measure 

I thought I had already received my blessing here

I figured last year was the best I could ask for

and although I miss those girls like crazy

and wish they were back here again

I have so many more relationships to thank God for every day

I have received such encouragement

strength in the hard times

support when the skies were gray 

or the homework seemed to never end

laughs in both the good and the bad times

hugs when I thought I couldn't stand

or when our joy overflowed 

If you would have asked me 9 months ago

who I would befriend this year

who I would miss when the year came to a close

who would make an impact on my life 

who I would discover as role models 

and people to just have a good time with

I would have never in a million years

named those who have become those things for me

I would have never chosen them

but God knew better

He knew who I needed

who would make an impact

be an encouragement

be a friend in hard times

and I am so grateful for His wisdom

for His work in my life to bring these people to me

I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world

and would not want anything different for myself

They each have played different roles

each important in their own special way

every one of them having left a mark on my life

which I hope never to forget

This has not been an easy year

I could sit here and complain about all the reasons why

but there is no need

God has walked with me

and I have been blessed with friends

who were there through think and thin

through sunshine and rain

I want to thank you

each and every one

thank you for your kindness

friendship

love

compassion

support

encouragement

hugs

laughter

tears

prayers

and even your criticism 

Now with the year ending shortly

we will be going our separate ways

back home for most

to friends we have missed and cherish also

and for some, to a new job or location for the summer

where new relationships will be built 

I wish those of you who are graduating

blessings upon blessings

and for those who I will see in the fall

have an amazing summer

make the best of it

You all are beautiful and created in God's image.

He loves you and so do I.

Stay strong and I will be praying for all of you

God Bless!

Quote of the Day:

""Just when you think that a person is just a backdrop for the rest of the universe, watch them and see that they laugh, they cry, they tell jokes ... they're just friends waiting to be made." 

-Dr. Jeffrey Borenstein

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival." 

- C. S. Lewis