My Cry

Oh God I cry to you

I am broken, confused, and crying

the future seems so unsure

and my heart is in pieces on the floor

the tears keep flowing

and even the sunniest days seem foggy

I want to smile and mean it

to trust you with every fiber of my being

I do not want to hurt any longer

because when I do

I feel like I am nailing you to that cross again

saying that I know better

that I know who I should be with

But I praise you oh God

for still giving me your peace 

even when I doubt your providence

after I fight for control of my life

Your peace sustains me

and without it

my life would be total chaos 

You are such a powerful and loving God

why do I doubt your ability to give me a man

that is perfect for me

Why can't I just sit back and wait

but maybe he is it

maybe its just not our time

Yet there I go again

hammering those nails

into your hands again and again

I find myself wishing and hoping

for the one who has my heart 

to be the one you want to give the key to

Oh Lord, I want you to hold the key to my heart

Yet I am letting you and him fight for control

You should be the one to give him the key

not the other way around

But does that mean its wrong to hurt

to let my heart be broken by him

Does that mean my heart's key is not yours

Father, if you don't hold the key

help me give it back you to

help me wait till you give the key

and not steal it back 

to give to the one I choose 

It doesn't matter what the future holds

You have it in your hands

that should be enough

Lord, let me focus on today

the struggle to give you the key back

and gluing my heart back together again

Oh God, this is my cry!

Quote of the Day:

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"    -Jeremiah 29:11

Missing you

My school work is calling for my attention

but my mind keeps drifting to thoughts of you

I see your smiling face in my mind

and wish I could see you smile like that again

to see you face to face 

to feel your arms as they rap around me 

in your hugs that I love so much

Then our song comes on my iPod 

and again my concentration falters 

I think back to those good old days

when we talked all day long

and I never felt lonely 

But I am reminded that those days are gone

I think back to what my friends have said

to the little reminders they have given me

that this is not fair

you need to make up your mind

and I need to tell you how much I am hurting

Yet I can't seem to find the strength to do that

I can't hurt you like you have hurt me

I don't want to walk away 

to shut the door

for fear of losing you forever 

But I know in my heart 

if it is God's will

You will come back to me

Where is my trust in God

in his divine plan

I am lacking faith in my God

the God through who nothing is impossible 

And then it happens

we finally talk

I tell you how I feel

tell you how the last few weeks have hurt

How I miss you and wish things could be different

but that I still agree we are on God's path

Do I feel better?

I am not really sure

Its a good feeling to know I have been open

but I wish I knew how you felt 

what you were thinking

I guess I just have to wait

wait on you

wait on God

Quote of the Day:

look up Sabra Girl by Nickel Creek

Two Enemies

I have two enemies

one fights for my heart

the other fights for my body

One I can hide from

the other I can't run away from

Miles separate myself from the first

the other lives inside me

I have two enemies

One I can hear their voice

the other is my own

One I cannot control 

the other I completely control 

One I could just ask to leave

the other I cannot separate myself from 

One is another person

One is me

I have two enemies 

Both I should separate myself from

One I do not want to 

the other I do

Both bring me joy

and both bring me pain

Will these enemies become friends

will they leave my life

Only time will tell

only will the months and years decide

Until then

I have two enemies

One lives in this world

the other inside my mind

Quote of the Day:

"From a certain point of view our real enemy, the true troublemaker, is inside."

A Question

I have but one question

to let you in

or to lock the door

To show my feelings 

or to end our story

I don't know which to do

you still mean the world to me

and I miss opening up and sharing about our days

the awesome moments, the hurts, and the little every day details

My day doesn't feel complete anymore

something is missing 

and that something is you

I know to think ahead 

to hope that one day we can be together again

is not time well spent

I know that I should just sit back

and say "Gods got this!" 

let tomorrow worry about itself

but I find myself worrying 

playing the what if game

wondering if I shut the door

if our friendship fades

will our hope for the future fade with it

My heart is torn

to shut the door and save myself more pain

or to continue our friendship

the openness I treasure so much

and hope the future is brighter 

The answer, I am not sure

but I do know I need to find the strength to trust God

something that is so hard 

but well worth it in the end

But maybe that is my answer

to close the door

but not lock it

and just wait

wait for the future to give me the answer

Quote of the Day:

"When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God." -Charles L. Allen

Prince Charming

Life is moving on

The days keep flying by

Boys walk past me

and I catch myself dreaming

wondering what my prince charming will look like

will he have broad shoulders

a smile that can light up a room

a voice that makes me melt

then I realize the man I see is you

I keep looking for my prince charming but I still see your face

I keep walking

the dream still in my mind

I begin to wonder what he will be like

will he wipe away my tears as I cry

see through my happy mask

make me feel so comfortable

that I can share my whole heart without any fear

My Prince Charming

are you a leader

a musician

a Christian?

I hope so and so much more

my list of dreams and hopes continue to grow

as my walk takes me to one of our favorite spots 

There I realize, once again

the face I see is yours

I cant seem to see past your face

My prince gets blurred with pictures of you

But you aren't my prince

you have left and gone away 

now I find myself searching for my prince again

with your picture clouding my view 

Quote of the Day:

"I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet. Lead her up the stairwell. This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town. I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around." -White Horse by Taylor Swift

To My Feelings

I feel like my emotions are playing with me again

I feel torn between loving you and caring less

How do my feelings change so quickly

One day I am crying my eyes out for you

and the next

my heart doesn't skip a beat at the sound of your name

Why is this so complicated

Why cant my heart decide what it wants

what it feels

Either I love you and have a broken heart 

Or

I could care less and am ok with just being your friend 

One minute your face brings a smile to mine

and I want to see you, talk to you, hold you

and the next I may wonder what you are doing or thinking

but my heart feels nothing

the nothingness

where does it come from

why is it here

how does it come and go so quickly

I hate it

so sick of it

I want to be done with this

I want to know for sure what I want

what I feel

this is why life should not be based on feelings

feelings are unstable

unreliable

mixed up and confused

yet so hard to ignore 

its not possible to go through a day 

without thinking of how you feel

So to my feelings

please make up your mind

I no longer want to fight you

or feel confused

just let me know how I feel

even if its heartbroken

I just want to feel 

Quote of the Day:

"Deep down you know it's best for yourself, but you hate the thought of him being with someone else." 

The Amazing Gift

Grace

How can we ever fully understand

while we still walk this earth

looking through our human eyes 

We cannot truly understand the great depths of your love

of your forgiveness

of your amazing grace

I know I struggle most of all with grace

the concept throws me for a spin

Trust is not easy

and faith in the unseen is hard

but grace, oh grace

I cannot fathom you

To know that what I do means nothing

I am nothing

your grace is everything

My heart cries with sorrow for the wrong I do

for the mistakes I make and the sin I commit

I want to please you 

I want to live my life for you and you alone

This I feel is something I have to do

Yet, oh God, I forget 

hour after hour

day after day

week after week

month after month

and year after year

that your grace is all I have

your grace is all I need

not my will

not my actions

not my wishes

Your grace and your grace alone saves me

Oh God I need you

I want to understand grace

to appreciate it and not forget that amazing gift

because I am lucky to have your grace

I do not deserve it

I do not always act like I want it

But God hear my cry

I do want your grace

I want it with every fiber of my being

my heart pleads for you to inscribe it on my heart

so that when I am at my lowest,

and wondering why I keep failing,

tormenting myself for again falling from you,

nailing your hands to the cross for the millionth time,

I will remember the amazing gift I have received 

the one that tells me its not by my deeds 

or by my actions

but by YOU alone 

The amazing gift of grace

Quote of the Day:

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."   - 2 Cor 12:9-10

Song #1

I have thought about the idea of making the poems in more song form. This is the first attempt of that. Maybe it will just make a better poem than song but I thought I would try.

_____________________________________

You said we were done but did you mean it

you still find ways to make me smile

to make me feel special and loved

Why can't you just break my heart and leave the pieces

Cant you just walk away and stop trying to be my friend

Do you realize how it hurts

To talk to you

To hear your voice

To listen to you say the words I love you

Those three little words that should mean so much

but mean so little

friendship is all I get from you

But I want more or nothing at all

When I am low, you are still there 

ready to lend a listening ear 

You don't let me forget you

You always find a way through the day to remind me

that you are still there, that you haven't left

But yet you said this will not work

How can my heart react but to wonder

Do you realize how it hurts

To talk to you

To hear your voice

To listen to you say the words I love you

Those three little words that should mean so much

but mean so little

friendship is all I get from you

But I want more or nothing at all

The question that rings in my ears

is how to tell you

to tell you how you hurt me 

to let you in on how it feels from this end

All you ever asked for was honesty but now I find myself struggling to give you that

because inside I know once I do, I will spend forever without you 

and that just adds to the pain

Maybe I shouldn't wonder this

Maybe I shouldn't ask for all or nothing

but yet the pain is so real, the hurt so deep

not to ask

Do you realize how it hurts

To talk to you

To hear your voice

To listen to you say the words I love you

those three little words that should mean so much

but mean so little

friendship is all I get from you

But I want more or nothing at all

 

Quote of the Day:

"Music is the poetry of the air."

-Richter

Another Enemy

While distracting myself from you

I find myself trapped by another enemy

I try to run away

but it finds me anyway

Sitting in class

Working on my computer

Talking with my friends

It finds me

It finds me when I least expect it

When I think I am at my strongest

I repeat to myself

I will not give in, I will not give in

and yet...

I find myself back here again

wondering how I got here 

wondering why I cant say NO

wondering how I can enjoy and hate the same thing

But is it truly enjoying

that answer is no! 

So why if I don't enjoy it

can I not say NO

Oh God I need you

I need your strength

I need your comfort

and most of all

I need your grace

for those times I find myself

back here failing over and over again

trying to distract myself

from not just one enemy

Oh no! Now its two

Quote of the Day:

"For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not 

want to do - this I keep doing."     Romans 7:19

To be Free

I want to be free

I want to watch movies

and not see your face

I want to be free

I want to talk with my friends

without your name appearing in my head

I want to be free

I want to lay down at night

and not be tortured with memories of you

I want to be free

I want to hear your name

and not cringe every time

I want to be free

I want to go through life

without the littlest reminders of you breaking my heart all over again

But I wonder if freedom will ever come

I wonder if you feel the same way

I wonder if you hurt at all

I wonder till yet again...

I want to be free

To be free of the memories of you

Free from your grasp on my heart

Quote of the Day:

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

Torn

My heart says I love him

My brain says it's not right

My spirit says this is God's plan

My heart wants to fight back

My brain wants to stop thinking of him

My spirit wants to commit it to God

My heart doesn't want to hurt anymore

My brain doesn't want the memories haunting me anymore

My spirit doesn't want to fail God (again)

My heart is unsure

My brain is confused

My spirit reminds me to trust God

My heart cries at night

My brain runs with thoughts of you

My spirit cries out to God

But what can my heart do

What can my brain think

what can my spirit believe

If you don't want me

None of it matters 

Not my heart or my head or even my spirit

My tears, my thoughts, my confusion

are worth nothing when...

Your heart says no

Your brain says she's not it

Your spirit says this is not God's will

Quote of the Day:

"For every girl with a broken heart, there is a boy with a glue gun."

How Long

How long

How long will the hurt last

How long will my mind race 

with pictures of your face

How long until the day

when I am free

Free of pain

Free of sadness

Free of your hold on my heart

How long 

How long till we can just be friends

How long till I can look at your picture

and not shed a tear

But maybe just maybe

I am the one keeping myself bound

Maybe I need to ask myself how long

How long 

How long will I cry for you

How long will I miss your smiling face

How long oh God

till I can love again

How long?

Quote of the Day:

"When you start to miss me, remember you let me go."

Lights Out

When the lights go off

and the world is asleep

The memories we shared

come flooding back again

They play like movies

one after the other in my mind

The pain I felt

The sadness that overwhelmed

seizes my heart again

And with the lights no longer glowing

I cry myself to sleep

Because now I realize

how much I truly care

But you are gone

and with you went a part of me

I miss your smile

I miss your voice

and the conversations that we shared

When the lights dim

and my mind can finally rest

It decides instead

to run with thoughts of you

I see your face

and a smile grows on mine

Until I remember, with a tear

that our lights are out

And you are no longer mine

Quote of the Day:

"Who do you run to when the only person who can stop your 

tears is the one that made you cry?"