Hurricane

I feel like a tree

in the middle of a hurricane

so out of control

being pushed and whipped around

rained on without end

nothing feels stable

nothing feels sure

disaster seems near

like the eye will never come

I feel like a swimmer

in an endless pool

with no where to go

my past hunting me

and unable to swim away from it

wishing to reach bigger and better things

but unable to move forward

only to stay where I am

no improvement, no change

as hard as I try

I can't get away

I feel like a baby

trying to learn to walk

but only falling

failing with every attempt

unable even to just take a step forward

without dropping to the floor

losing hope with every attempt

I know the eye will come

I know one day, the endless pool will open before me

and I will learn to walk

Jesus is the eye in the storm

God will lead me forward

and hold my hand, teaching me to walk

But that feels so far away

the blue sky & the light at the end

don't seem to be near

my faith is weak

my hope draining way

with every failure and hurricane

God I want to rely on you for my future

to not worry about tomorrow or even today

to wait on you and trust you

that one day, life will improve

Lord, strengthen me and give me hope in you

because I sit here, broken and struggling

to trust in the one who will never let me down

You are back

Summer is ending

half was spent in tears

the other is disappointment, anger, frustration, and confusion

I was missing my best friend

missing my other half

I was having to separate my heart from you

and make it cold just to stop the pain

I honestly thought you had moved on

and didn't think of me or miss me

I thought we didn't have a future

and that we would never be close again

I started out the summer trusting in God

knowing his plan was best and resting in his peace

yet my heart still longed for you

and as time pasted, I found myself trusting God less

my faith weakening and my spiritual walk lacking drastically

I lost sight of God's power and providence

I should have known better

I should have kept my trust in God

because he has brought my friend back to me

You never forgot about me

you missed me just as much as I missed you

and you hadn't moved on

Things may still be difficult

we still can't be together the way we want

miles separate us

and our lives do not line up yet

nor are they ready for an another person

which is frustrating because I am ready to be yours

I still don't know when God's time for us is

but I am just so glad to have you back in my life

I no longer feel like I am missing a part of me

Thank you Lord for bring my friend back to me

Dear friend

Dear friend,

I have lost a best friend

everyday that becomes more apparent to me

although I know God is working

and we are where he wants us

and that I have not always had happy feelings toward you

I still miss you

and love you

I knew I cared a lot about you

I knew that saying goodbye would be one of the hardest thing I have ever done

I knew we were really close

but I did not realize the extent that it became

I did not realize you were one of my best friends

and how far I had fallen for you

how much I loved you and cared about you

I hate the negative feelings I have for you

I want it to be alright

I want us to be friends

I miss talking to you

your humor

the way you made me feel better when my skies were gray

the way you hugged me

when I felt the world was against me

your encouragement

your amazing technical knowledge 

which astounded me every time (and saved my computer)

our times together, hanging out, doing nothing

but that was okay because we were together

and just being there when everyone else had walked away

but then again

I don't know if we can ever just be friends again 

and that hurts even more

losing your friendship

hurts more than losing your love 

I don't want you to hurt

I want you to be happy

let me be the one to hurt

yeah it sucks

and I don't like it

but I'd rather it be me than you

tears come to my eyes when I realize

how much you are hurting

how much you are struggling in life

and I hate it

all I did

as your close friend

was add to it

give you one more person you cannot confide in

one less person to go to on a crappy day

one less person to give you a hug and tell you it will all work out

one less person 

I hope you know

I will always love you

you left a dent :) 

and I hope one day (Lord willing)

you will be in my life again

dear friend

Quote of the Day:

"Time to go, this is goodbye she said,

Does it ever get easier to live like this?

And kiss the cheek, for I can't kiss you anymore

And I, I would honestly love you now,

But I would lovingly let you down...

Oh, I have the hardest time resisting you, and, oh, if you...

If you feel the same way,

Then how can we be friends?

He's right you know, we can't go on like this.
And oh I'd try to give you everything

And if I fail, well then I fail, but at least I gave you something"   -If I Fail by Cartel

The things I haven't said

I haven't seen your face in a week

nor heard your voice

but it feels like so much longer than that

I feel like weeks have passed

you feel so distant

maybe because it really has been almost two months

since I truly talked with my close friend

So much has changed

I hate it

and wish things were different

However, that doesn't change how I have felt

how your actions have affected me

I may miss you

think of you often

wish you were here with me

and that the last two months hadn't happened

but they did

you hurt me

you betrayed me

I was smacked in the face

by someone who I was supposed to be able to trust

someone who was supposed to care about me

someone who was supposed to be a friend

and more

Did you forget I was a daughter of the King?

someone who deserved better

deserved love and respect

Did you forget what I meant to you?

or at least what you told me I meant

someone you cared about

had feelings for

Did you forget what being a man truly means?

it's not how many girls you can get

but how you treat the one you have

I gave so much to you

especially my heart 

and you just tore it in two

yet I still love you

I did not want to let you go

But God had a different plan 

now I am having to deal with both sides of me

on one side there is the Amber who misses you

who hates being far from you 

both physically and emotionally

who hates what has happened

who is ready to move past that

and take you back on any level

but then there is the Amber who is still hurt by you

who can't understand what she did to deserve this

who is confused and brokenhearted

who cries so often she hasn't kept track

who has lost confidence, respect, trust, and love for herself

who can't understand why you would do that

why you would hurt her so much

and that still finds herself becoming angry, hurt, and upset

when she stops and reflects on you and your actions

So now I am at war with myself and I hate you for it

I have to fight myself every day

to not cry over you

to miss you

to get angry at you

or to focus too long on you and the memories we shared

both positive or negative

because only pain follows

I have to fight the feelings that come over me

whenever something

whether a song, movie, name, or just something someone says

reminds me of you

and that reminder brings a smile for a second 

until I remember and the pain begins anew

I have to fight the thought that you actually don't give a crap

because I know its not true

but sometimes it sure does feel that way

your actions speak louder than your words

and some of your actions have screamed that you don't care

I have to fight the urge to analyze

analyze why this happened

what I could have done differently

analyze your thoughts

if you regret me, regret us

analyze my appeal to other guys

if this means that I am not worth more

analyze the situation to death and to tears

I have to fight the idea that this is the best I will ever get 

the idea that all guys will hurt me like you hurt me

that I will never be totally respected and loved by a man the way I should be

and the fear that there is no one else

the fear of being alone for the rest of my life

my self-esteem has plummeted 

my trust in guys has hit rock bottom

I thought you were my answer

I thought God was teaching me how to trust guys again through you

how mistaken I was

I must give glory to God however for what He has done

I have learned to trust him

I have discovered the peace of God

both are greater than anything else I could have learned

His peace transcends any pain, heartbreak, or anger my human nature feels 

my spirit is at peace

though my human spirit is curled into a ball

in a hole, waiting for the storm to pass

God's peace is amazing 

and without it, I would be a reck 

life would be hell

But that doesn't mean the pain is not there

that my heart is not broken

or that I am not hurting

I feel unwanted

alone

unloved

not worth it

and the list continues

I don't know how else to put it

to make it clear to you

how much you have hurt me

Yet, I still care about you

miss you like crazy

love you

and want the best for you

I may be hurting

but I don't wish harm to you 

I only pray for you

that God pours his blessings over you and your life

I don't regret any of it

I hate the hurt and the missing you

but it only stretches me

tests me

pushes and pulls me

I will be better for it

stronger

These are the things I haven't said

the feelings that tear at my heart

which have caused tearful mornings, afternoons, and nights

it may seem hypocritical to say I am angry with you in one line

and in another say that I care about you and only want blessings for you

but it is the truth

how my heart feels

and for which I will not apologize

life is not meant to be all black and white 

so neither will my feelings 

These are the things I hadn't said

but now I have 

The time has come

The time has come

I trusted

I fell into your arms

and out of his

I cried

I fought

Said I couldn't do it

couldn't part with one of my closest friends

continued to ignore the voice in my head

I didn't want to obey God

The time has come

I broke my heart and his

I watched as we both cried 

cried over what was, what is, and what will never be

I said I still loved you

said I didn't want to do this

that I will always pray for you

said how lucky I was to know you

and how lucky some girl will be one day

oh how my heart longs for that day to come for you

and how my heart wishes I was that girl for you

The time has come

I have said goodbye

goodbye to the dreams I had built 

dreams of the two of us and our life together

I watched you react 

you seemed to understand

you knew I had to do what I felt I need to do

you didn't want me to blame myself

said you were sorry for the pain you had caused me

said you care about me too 

and that I have left a dent in your life

The time has come

you are no longer in my life

your face I will no longer see

your voice I will not hear

This summer will be difficult

how many more tears will I cry

how many more restless nights 

how long till I can truly say I am over you

how long till I can talk to you again

I am on my knees

praying for strength 

praying for my future

praying for your future

praying that if it be God's will

one day we will be friends again

The time has come

one that I never wished for

but it came anyway

The time has come

to focus on God

and to erase you from my mind

it will not be easy but I must

The time has come

I will miss you 

You will always hold a special place in my heart

The time has come

Quote of the Day:

"If I Should stay I would only be in your way. So I'll go But I know I'll think of you every step of 

the way. And I... Will always Love you, oohh Will always Love you My darling you Mmm-mm. 
Bittersweet Memories That is all I'm taking with me. So good-bye. Please don't cry. 
We both know I'm not what You need. And I... Will always love you I... Will always love you, ooh. 
I hope life treats you kind. And I hope you have all you've dreamed of. And I wish you joy 
and happiness. But above all this I wish you love."

"I trust in the Lord...But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, 'You are my God.'" Psalm 31: 6b, 14