a wave in the ocean

I am like a wave

not making a decision

just being tossed about

Fear keeps me at a stand still

not moving in any direction

Trust

where are you?

I need you

come connect me to God

my faith is failing

my strength is diminishing

my human spirit wants to rebel

but your spirit inside of me is crying out

"Trust in the Lord!"

I feel like I know what I need to do

maybe I have known all long

but I fight it every time

I don't want to 

Please Father, don't make me!

but your voice is loud and clear

"Trust me, my child"

My heart is fragile 

my spirit already crushed

I don't have the strength 

nor the will to do what you ask

Then, there is the side of me

who only wants what God wants for me

who is begging and pleading with the other side

to surrender and let God work

blessings upon blessings will fall 

when I just surrender

The side who knows God's will should be my will

The side of me who just wants to please God with everything in her

who doesn't want to make a wrong move

or step off his path

and that fear is keeping her from moving at all

The fear

oh that fear

it surrounds my every move

my every thought

I am so afraid

yet the gray in my life is growing

the black and white fading

choices and direction so unclear

my heart beats for two things

but I have to choose

I have to chose which master I will serve

Yet there is that fear again 

fear that choosing is not what God wants

that this really should be a blessing

That I am meant to have both

But if that is true

if God wants me to have this

then by trusting in Him

I will get it back? 

I don't want to let go

because that fear says I will not get it back

nor anything like it or better

although I know this to be a lie

it still plagues me

Oh God

I want to choose you

choose life!

I want to serve you wholeheartedly 

and not have anything between us

but I need your strength

I need your wisdom

Lord please work in ways I cannot foresee

or predict or even ask for

Father, work in ways that only you can

that are outside of me

so the fear cannot grab ahold of me

I need thee Lord

and only you! 

Please see my heart 

and know how much I want to please you alone!

I am like a wave

not making a decision

just being tossed about

Fear keeps me at a stand still

not moving in any direction

Quote of the Day:

"The more you trust Him, the more you'll risk on His behalf"

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."  James 1:5-6

Amazed

I stand in amazement of you Lord

I am grateful for the friends I have

for the support surrounding me

This past week has been extremely difficult 

and even though I have been on my knees

praying for guidance, wisdom, comfort

and the list goes on

crying to the point where I had no tears left to shed

my heart in a million pieces on the floor

in total disbelief and confusion

and a feeling of sadness consuming my body

I still have this level of peace

I do not know what the future holds

I do not know the right next step to take

and my heart is torn in two different directions

yet I am calm

I have not totally lost it

normally, in this situation

a girl would go crazy 

be one of those psycho girls

or just lying in bed all day, every day

crying, eating ice cream, and planning revenge

But thats not me

I have cried, a lot

I have vented to friends

I have gotten angry

but not to an extreme

I am still living a normal life

sometimes I space out

or become depressed again

but its not affecting my general flow in life

or is really noticed by those around me

I am grateful to God for this peace

this relative calm

I know He is the one providing it

because this is not my human nature 

I never asked for this

yet He provided

Thank you Lord

for taking care of your daughter

when she needed you the most

and her heart didn't know what to ask for 

Lord, I pray this continues

I know the road ahead is going to be bumpy

I know this will not be easy

but the overall peace is comforting 

I am blessed beyond words to have a God

who looks out so carefully for His children

What an amazing God we serve 

Quote of the Day:

"There is nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing that is currently on or in your life that God has not in his infinite all-knowing wisdom decided not to stop and so therefore its a part of the purpose of God for his glory and your eventual joy." -Matt Chandler of the Village Church

I Will Stand Again

I surrender Lord

I cant do this anymore

I am done!

My heart cant break any more

its pieces are scattered on the floor

with only you to help me pick them up

I was stupid

I let this go to far

but enough is enough

that was it

You will no longer have power over me

you will no longer be able to hurt me!

I sit in anger and disbelief right now

and I know in time

it will turn to sorrow 

but I must remember these events

and use them to defuse your power later

to keep myself from falling all over again

I deserve much more than this

much better than all of this

There should not be this much pain

this many struggles

this many reasons to doubt

maybe one day things will be different

but I will no longer hold on to that

that will no longer be my focus

Me, myself, and Jesus

thats it

not you or your cute words or your sweet gestures  

You have crossed the final line

I don't care anymore about making the wrong decision

if I stray from God's path, 

I know he will bring me back again

I must trust him

Its not easy 

I know I have a long road ahead of me

But God is on my side 

I just have to be patient 

and stay the course

You may have broken my heart

my trust

my being

But God never will

and on that promise I will stand!

I Will Stand Again

Quote of the Day:

"Women are like tea bags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water." -Eleanor Roosevelt 

"Trust is like breaking your arm. Happens quickly, but takes a long time to heal." -Ms Wallace 

This is My Plea

I am trying so hard

To focus on you oh Lord

to seek your will 

and do what is right

my heart longs for the path you have chosen for my life

I know that blessings will flow 

when I follow your lead

But oh God it is so hard

I know what I want

and I feel it inside me

but my soul is not sold

I am unsure of your plan

of your purpose or your will

I do not want to deviate 

yet I long for this

I see and hear of friends

who are so at peace and happy

your time for them has come 

and your blessings are flowing

Yet here I sit

wishing, hoping, dreaming

that my day may come soon

with your hand upon my life

obviously leading me on the right path

My heart longs for my will to aline with yours

what I want to be what you want

As I dream now, I can't imagine life 

changing from the way I hope it will be

it seems a foreign concept

I want this dream so bad

But that little voice inside of me

reminds me that doubt hovers close by

Because I lack the full confidence in what your will is

I know also that if your will differs from mine Lord

that it will bring me joy

even if I can't imagine it now

I know in time I will be grateful

even if now I wouldn't want to be

Lord no matter how I feel or what I want

I ask that your will be done

Lord act outside of me

So no doubt can remain

Work in ways that I cannot even fathom

in things that I cannot dream of

Lord I beg you to do this

I plead that you push me down the right path

So that my human mind cannot get in the way

I just want your will to be done Lord

that is all I ask 

all that I beg for

This is my plea!

Quote of the Day:

"Never said there wouldn't be trials. Never said I wouldn't fall. Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go. But when my back is against the wall and I feel all hope is gone, I'll just lift my head up to the sky and say help me to be strong. I just can't give up now. I've come too far from where I started from. Nobody told me the road would be easy and I don't believe he brought me this dar to leave me."  Can't Give Up Now by Mary Mary

Break my Heart

Lord I want to feel close again to you

I know that I am the one that walked away

I do not know how or when 

but I know it happens slowly 

and I have found myself away from you

I want to be consumed in your love

to worship you with all I do

to focus on your grace, love, and your works

I want you to be my focus, not life as it goes on

I want to live life to the fullest 

to praise you all of my days

Not let my actions go without them being for your glory

Yet oh Lord

I struggle

Life is busy

Life is confusing

and I am praying to you

yet I feel disconnected

is it because I am not fully relying on you 

to get me through my day anymore?

is it because I no longer need you to smile?

Lord whatever it may be

bring me to my knees

Lord I want to worship you, to be on fire

to feel your presence again

to trust you with my every day again

Break my heart and bring me to your feet

Quote of the Day:

"Break my heart for what breaks yours" -Hosanna by Hillsong