Back to Life

I have been thinking lately about bringing this blog back to life. The format will change some. I am hoping to continue the poetry but to also include other insights and reflections of things that happen in my life and things I feel God teaching me. It will not be perfect. Not all thoughts will be complete or all insights understandable. Mostly, it will be a place for me to "think out-loud".

Hoping God will use what I am thinking, feeling, struggling with, and learning to reach someone else.

God Bless

Some Day My Prince Will Come

Lord, you have taken me down a path that I don't understand

maybe it is my own stupid choices along the way

which have ruined what you meant for good

but either way, Lord I have become chained

in dreams, hurts, and desires

These chains have kept my arms

from being able to raise themselves in praise to you

My choices have brought me far from you

and your will for my life

Lord, I never meant to hurt you or myself

All I ever wanted to do was please you

but now these chains lock me down

I can't see the future

I only see the past and the pain that haunts me now

You are the only one who can free me

but I have to free myself first

I need help Lord

help to be free

help to let go and move on

help to know that one day

My prince will come

He will love me in ways I cannot fathom

He will cherish me

He will make it known,

that I am his and he is mine

I will never have to doubt or worry

That excites me

My heart longs for that day

I know he will not be perfect

I know I will still cry

and I will hurt him

but Lord, there will be a difference

A difference between a disagreement

and insecurity

or emotional roller coasters

I will be able to be confident in his love always

But Lord, I know

before that day can come

there is a lot of work to be done in me

You have to break these chains

help me to forgive totally

and glue my heart together again

from all the last several years have done to break me down

I have to become content in you

and in single life

Most importantly,

I must be walking with you

stronger than ever

loving you above all else

Then, and only then, will I be able to see my prince clearly

My prayer is, as I wait for my prince to come

you release me of these chains,

help me to be content in the life situation you have for me now,

and above all,

draw me to you Lord

Some day my prince will come

until that day Lord,

let Jesus be my prince

and let my heart be joyful and free

***after doing a lot of studying on marriage preparation, this poem was written. its funny, because out of no where, I began this study. not on purpose. praying I learn what God has planned so I am ready for whatever lies ahead***

My Prayer

On bended knee I come

praying, begging, yearning

asking for your spirit & power

to overwhelm my body

to the point that I cannot ignore it

I plead for a revival in my soul

that all I want to do every day is praise your name

without a desire for anything that doesn't please you

the strength to live every day to its fullest and for you alone

for my heart to yearn for you the way I want it to

and know it should

All I want is for my heart to be on fire for you

for these doubts to leave my mind

there to be no question in my soul if I am truly your follower and daughter

to make you my absolute Lord of my life

to be so far from lukewarm

the possibility never crosses my mind

and for there to be nothing between us

I fall on my face asking you to give me the ability and strength to trust you

to give you everything

especially what you are asking for now

My heart is torn but I know you are the better choice

I know I need to surrender my dreams, wants, and desires

and focus solely on you

I feel your tug on my heart

I want to listen to it with everything in me

with every fiber of my being

My one and only desire is to be devoted to you alone

to be able to sacrifice this and many other things to come

Yet why is it so hard

why can't I seem to give this up

and why do I seem to lack so much in my relationship with you

I have the desire, such deep desire

and yet

I am failing

I am falling short

I am not totally surrendering

I do not have this incredible passion in myself for you

Why Lord WHY!!!!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

grant me the desire of my heart

which is to love you ALONE

not myself or someone else or a dream or a desire

BUT YOU ALONE!!!!

give me the desire that I crave

fill me with you

and give me the strength and wisdom to do your will

This is my prayer

What happened to us?

What happened to us?
in these pictures we look so happy
We were so happy
The sight of you made my stomach flip

Your voice melted my heart

Just being with you made the world a better place

What happened to us?

I hardly talk to you

If I am lucky enough to

its short and shallow

Somewhere along the way, I lost you

What happened to us?

This summer killed us

Why was I so stupid to let you go for so long

You are so adorable

so sweet

so perfect

What happened to us?

How much of it my fault

Should I blame myself

What should I do

My feelings are so confused

I don’t want to let you go

What happened to us?

I watch boys walk past me

I see you in them

My heart breaks

and I wish you could just surround me

What happened to us?

My stomach doesn’t flip the same way

I still think of you

but its not the same

And you don’t seem to care either

What happened to us?

I wonder what our future it

I wonder if this is finally it

I wish I knew exactly what to do

and what you are thinking

What happened to us?

Quote of the Day:

"Baby, what are we becoming

It feels just like we’re always running
Rolling through the motions everyday
I can lean in to hold you, or act like I don’t even know you
Seems like you could care less either way
What happened to that girl I used to know
I just want us back to the way we were before" Do I by Luke Bryan

Hurricane

I feel like a tree

in the middle of a hurricane

so out of control

being pushed and whipped around

rained on without end

nothing feels stable

nothing feels sure

disaster seems near

like the eye will never come

I feel like a swimmer

in an endless pool

with no where to go

my past hunting me

and unable to swim away from it

wishing to reach bigger and better things

but unable to move forward

only to stay where I am

no improvement, no change

as hard as I try

I can't get away

I feel like a baby

trying to learn to walk

but only falling

failing with every attempt

unable even to just take a step forward

without dropping to the floor

losing hope with every attempt

I know the eye will come

I know one day, the endless pool will open before me

and I will learn to walk

Jesus is the eye in the storm

God will lead me forward

and hold my hand, teaching me to walk

But that feels so far away

the blue sky & the light at the end

don't seem to be near

my faith is weak

my hope draining way

with every failure and hurricane

God I want to rely on you for my future

to not worry about tomorrow or even today

to wait on you and trust you

that one day, life will improve

Lord, strengthen me and give me hope in you

because I sit here, broken and struggling

to trust in the one who will never let me down