Deserving

One of the blogs I have been following for awhile now is directed toward single, Christian women waiting for God to bring them to their future beloved. I love this blog. So often it builds me up and encourages me to keep pushing forward. With so much that has happened in the last year, I felt God really trying to teach me so many new things in regards to relationships and marriage. I don't really know how to explain it but I know that every time I read something from this author, I am definitely challenged. However, along with that challenge, I feel so far behind and so below everything and anything she is describing. The more I read and self-evaluate, the more I realize that 22 is still really young. I have so much to learn and thats only in the relationship department. My spiritual walk in general could use so much work, but thats another topic.

Now, don't misunderstand me. Do I wish I had someone special in my life now? YEAH! Do I even have a crush? Possibly ;)  Does my head understand why God hasn't brought that person into my life yet? You bet! But my heart definitely still longs to know and be known. I have that desire to be connected to someone. That desire in and of itself is not wrong. My current read Friendship for Grow-ups by Lisa Whelchel reminded me of this just yesterday. She quoted one of my other favorite authors, Angela Thomas, which basically said that God created us to be relational beings. So I know why I desire this but my head has to constantly remind my heart that God doesn't think I'm ready yet. He has more he wants to teach me, and my future beloved, before revealing us to each other.

This has been a challenge recently for several different reasons. One being that its the holidays. Second, that this time last year, someone I held dear walked out of my life (however, I think that was more God's doing than anything but thats also another story for another day). And also due to meeting friends new boyfriends and just being reminded of the awesome guys that I do have in my life that will one day make a woman very happy. Anyway, I was feeling up to the challenge and I was given encouragement from that blog today. I was reminded that I'll get what I deserve and so if God is my focus and I live for him, God will bring me an amazing man. I was doing great! I had my focus. I knew already, even before reading the current blog, that this year had to be different. That I needed to make a conscious decision to live for God every day. I had been learning that from every blog up until today. I knew that once I accepted the changed God had for me, life would change. However, then my human nature entered the picture and I got all discombobulated **side note: can I say how much I love that this is a word in the dictionary...at least the online dictionaries that I checked for spelling LOL**  There is something you must know about me...when it comes to guys, I don't always think before I speak or act. I tend to insert my foot into my mouth more times than I would like to admit. I get kinda crazy and annoy myself even. I don't know where this alternate Amber comes from but she annoys the crap out of me! I don't like how she thinks or what she says or does. Its not with guy friends but with guys that I have some level of attachment to. So I was having a conversation this evening, which alternate Amber started anyway so I should have known it was doomed from the beginning, and I said something stupid. Now, whether or not the other person found it stupid, I cannot say but I know I have been replaying it in my mind for the last 2 hours. And as I have been thinking about it, all I kept thinking about was how would any guy put up with alternate Amber for long. I saw parts of the blog reading from today flash before me about being deserving and a woman of God will be rewarded. Now, did the blog author mean for her writing to hurt me? NO! that is totally satan. using what was meant for good, for evil. My mind has a funny way of flipping things around. I know that the blog was meant as an encouragement to be the best we can and to live for God and leave the rest up to him. But I tend to be so hard on myself that instead, I started seeing my flaws, thinking about how much I don't deserve, and forgot about God's power.

God's power.  Have you pondered that lately? Have you been honest about what he can do? I have heard a lot of sermons this weekend due to a sister church having a weekend full of Grace themed preaching. So much of what I heard is running through my brain at such a rate, I can't seem to catch one thought long enough to really analyze it. But, I do remember an illustration from today. The basic idea was think about all the important people of history and all they accomplished on their own power. The Father who pushes and pulls his paralyzed son through marathons. The people who never give up on dreams that the world deems silly, such as someone who lost a hand learning to shoot with his other and then winning an Olympic metal or one who falls severely during a marathon but drags his beaten up leg across the finish line. To our knowledge, they did it by their power. But what if we let God do it. What if we let his power work in our lives. How much more could we accomplish. Now this has a double meaning for me (well probably more but there are 2 that jump out at me at this moment). One that I won't expand on right now because its something me and God are still working out. I have felt some working in my life but I don't know what it means and until I understand it more clearly, I'm going to leave it with God. But the second is me and, in applying it to what I've been writing about tonight, relationships. I can look at myself and analyze myself to death. I can say I'm screwed up or have so much that needs to be changed before any guy will give me a second look. I can clinch my fists and white knuckle goodness out of me. But really, I need to trust in God's power and really just focus on him. If I just look at him and just continue to walk beside him, then the rest will fall into place. God will deal with the crazy alternate Amber. He can make her lovable (as hard as that is for me to grasp). He will bring my beloved up, walking by my side. I need to stop searching for him. Stop trying so hard. Stop getting hurt when I feel that another relationship with a guy won't work out BECAUSE THAT MEANS HE ISN'T FROM GOD!  I want and deserve the man God has for me. I need to stop trying to manipulate situations and just let things be. I know this is going to be a challenge for me but my prayer tonight is that God's power rests in me and in all of you so that we can be at peace and stop searching for our beloved and instead spend our time loving God and growing closer to him because thats what we deserve.

wow...the spirit definitely led me in that one. I didn't know where it would end (and if the middle even makes sense LOL) but I know I learned something today. I just hope it sticks.

Imagination - Stay!! Sit!! COME BACK!

My mind is a dangerous place to be. I know I am not alone in my feelings. Many people express negative feelings toward their imagination and their thought process. The Bible speaks about our mind's power many times. God is vary aware of our human nature and how quickly we can become trapped by our thoughts. 2 Corinthians 10:5 say,
          "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up            
           against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to
           make it obedient to Christ."
Psalm 10:4 says,
          "In his pride the wicked man does not seek him; in all his thoughts
           there is no room for God."
Psalm 139:23 says,
           "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my
            anxious thoughts."

That's just to name a few. However, the other day I was reading in a book by Joanna Weaver entitled Having a Mary's Heart in a Martha's World. It is a great book that I strongly recommend to all women who are busy (oh wait...isn't that all of us?!) Anyway, she spoke of her thoughts and how she was held captive by them. She read Isaiah 26:3 in the old British Revised Version, which reads like this, "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose imagination is stayed on Thee." WOW! There isn't much more that I can add to that other than confessing my lack of controlling my imagination. My imagination is forever running away from me. Sometimes in a very obviously bad way and some times in a way which does not seem harmful at the time but when I reflect back on those times, through God's eyes the best I can, I see how negative it really was.

 **Let me interject something into this train of thought right here...by imagination, I don't mean your creativity. Christ doesn't ask us to give up our creativity. All he desires is that our thoughts and our imagination doesn't pull us away from him. When in doubt, ask if that thought is glorifying God, strengthening your relationship with him, and is showing your trust in him. Philippians 4:8 is a perfect scripture for guidance with this self-anaylsis. Ask God to show you what parts of your imagination are acceptable and what needs to change. He will show you.**

Over the last few years, I have really tried to control it more but upon looking back, really all I have done is tried to control the out of control thoughts, not ALL of my thoughts. After reading how Joanna explained her imagination and doing some reflecting, I am so much more aware of how careful I must be. I'm still not perfect, nor will I ever be until Christ comes back, but I am definitely spending more time in prayer over it. I desire Christ's power over my life, especially in my thoughts. I know he can change my thoughts but I also know that I need to focus on him when I find my imagination running away again. Our greatest battle field with satan is in our mind and our imagination is the biggest part of that.

Stay focused on Christ and when you feel your imagination running away again, find something to point your mind back to Christ (whether for you that is music, reading your Bible, praying, or fellowship with other Christians, etc).

Oh what peace awaits us when we control our imagination!
God Bless

Scar

This is another poem I did for my Deaf Lit class. I really love this one even though it is not a personal reflection at all. This type is called ABC story because the handshapes of each letter are used in order (A-Z or Z-A) to tell a story. I'll save the explanation for another time but if you watch, I bet you can figure the gist out for yourselves :)

Enjoy!

The Bridge

This poem I wrote for my Deaf Lit class. For those who do not know ASL, the basic idea behind the poem is I am driving across a long bridge (I used the Chesapeake Bay Bridge and Tunnel in VA as inspiration). The times I am driving along the bridge sections, I remember happy times in friendships. When I am driving in the tunnels, I am reminded of times in those friendships when I felt alone and disconnected from my friends. What friendship does not have up and downs? I feel this poem represents that fairly well.

Enjoy!

Rain

It's raining
My umbrella is open
causing the rain to run away from my head
off the edges of the umbrella
missing my ears
my eyes
my brain
I see the rain
I feel the rain
and maybe a few drops
find their way and absorb in my head
but most just drop to the ground around me
never actually reaching my mind or soul
I know I need the rain
I know my soul is thirsty
and longing to grow
but without the nourishment of the rain
that's impossible
I want to put my umbrella down
To feel the rain pour over my body and soul
but something stops me every time
maybe its fear
or busyness
Somewhere inside me, I'm torn
between the child wanting to dance in the rain
and the woman trapped in the worries of this world

Except the sun is actually out
the rain is only a metaphor
and the umbrella is so many things
keeping me from all the blessings and lessons God is trying to teach me
Oh God, help me put away my umbrella
so I can embrace every new lesson, blessing, and opportunity
you so graciously give me every day